Vipperknights
by Spookyrus
Summary: When socks disappear across the Vocalo Kingdom, what's her highly annoyed highness Queen Miku to do to relieve her subjects of their minor inconvenience? Send six of the most useless, untrained, incompetent "warriors" in the kingdom to deal with it, of course. With treacherous hack Guard Captain Teto at the wheel, she and her half-baked band of misfits can surely save the kingdom!
1. Sock Silken Severity

**TO NEW READERS: THE STATUS OF EVERYTHING THAT I'M WORKING ON IS REGULARLY UPDATED ON MY PROFILE. LOOK THERE IF YOU'RE EVER WONDERING IF I'M WORKING ON WHAT YOU'RE READING AT THE MOMENT. I WORK ON ABOUT A MILLION THINGS AT ONCE, AND MY STORIES GO ON FREQUENT UNANNOUNCED HIATUS, SO IF UPDATES GO QUIET FOR A WHILE, IT'S PROBABLY WORTH CHECKING.**

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|| This is a stupid idea that I came up with off of the top of my head this morning. I'm going to write it. Oh boy. ||

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 **SOCK SILKEN SEVERITY:  
**

In the far northeastern corner of the Vocalo Kingdom was the Vocalo Kingdom capital city, Vocalo City. Smack dab in the middle of the Vocalo Kingdom capital city of Vocalo City was the royal castle of the Vocalo Kingdom, Vocalo Castle. Living in the Vocalo Castle in the Vocalo City in the Vocalo Kingdom was the Vocalo Kingdom royal council, the Vocalo Kingdom Royal Council. The Vocalo Kingdom Royal Council consisted of eight completely professional and one hundred percent qualified members: the Queen, the Prince, the Princess, the Countess, the Wizardess, the Sir Knight, the Lady Knight, and the Jester.

In the broad afternoon on a kind-of-okay suntumn day (so given the friendly nickname for its weather, in which the leaves turned and the winds picked up but the sun was still hot enough to roast you like a chicken), the Royal Vocalo Throne Room was occupied by a solid half of its Vocalo Kingdom Royal Council. They were discussing very important, completely mandatory top-secret matters.

The Queen sat aloof in her throne, slouched over and fingers tapping against the arms of her royal seat. Her Wizardess stood beside her, stature strict and tall woody staff clutched in her right hand. Before them were the two Royal Knights, who were presenting the aforementioned very important, completely mandatory top-secret matters.

"...and thus, the mighty warrior approached the mighty beast atop his mighty steed, sizing up the terrible, gruesome evil that stood before him."

As the Sir Knight recalled his epic tale of good versus evil, the Lady Knight accompanied him. Her expression flat and somewhat irritated, she held up a large plushy shaped like a Green Dragon, which had a long neck and a small red "tongue" poking out from its "mouth".

"The monster stood the height of a castle, its teeth the size and strength of a hundred men, its breath the foul odor of a dumpster." The Sir Knight waved his arms as he continued to emphasize both the dragon's massiveness and grossness. "The warrior, however, was unphased. He drew his mighty sword-" The Knight drew his mighty sword. "-and shouted at the monster... **'MONSTER!'** "

The audience of two cringed, the Queen clenching her teeth and the Wizardess placing her free hand over one of her now ringing ears.

" **'NO LONGER SHALL YOU BE A BANE ON THE KINGDOM OF OUR FAIREST QUEEN!'** " The Knight aimed his sword threateningly at his plushy adversary. " **'FOR I, SIR KAITO THE BLUE, HAVE ARRIVED TO PUT A PERMANENT END TO YOUR TYRANNY... PERMANENTLY!'** And the monster responded with a deafening, ear-piercing roar in acceptance of the warrior's challenge!"

"Roar's not the only thing that's ear-piercing..." the Wizardess muttered, and the Queen suppressed a chuckle.

"Their epic battle raged on for no less than a fortnight!" The Sir Knight waggled his sword in the plushy's general direction, stepping back and forth in a failed attempt to recreate battle choreography. The Lady Knight narrowed her eyes at him, quite clearly wishing nothing more than for this to be over soon. "It was grueling, and tragically, it very nearly cost our hero his life. But! At the end of it all..."

There was a moment of silence.

The Sir Knight coughed.

"Uh, I said, at the end of it all..."

Nothing happened.

He grumbled.

"Meiko!"

"Huh? Oh, right."

The Lady Knight extended the plushy dragon forward, rattling it until some muffled, dying tape player sound squeaked out from it. The Sir Knight grinned, raising his sword dangerously over his head. "But, at the end of it all... the mighty hero raised his sword... and, in one fell swoop...!"

In a flash, the sword was slashed down, ripping clean through the stuffed animal's neck. Its cute, soft head plopped to the ground with a pathetic, barely audible _thud._

"...the beast was slain."

The Sir Knight rested the point of his sword in the ground behind him as he took an overly-deep bow. "And thus ends the tale of brave Sir Kaito the Blue."

There was silence for another moment, until he glanced back up, waving to his companion. "Meiko...!" he whispered again.

"Uh..."

She gave the headless dragon another shake, and with a _pop,_ colorful confetti exploded from its neck, floating down through the air to decorate the floor. The Sir Knight resumed his bow, even more exaggerated than the first time.

The Queen and Wizardess stared blankly at them, the Queen's expression one of exhaustion and uncertainty, the Wizard's one of condescending contempt. The Wizardess raised an eyebrow at her Queen expectantly. With a heavy sigh, the Queen adjusted herself so she was sitting up straight and put on a small, complete-definitely-absolutely genuine smile.

"Well, Sir Kaito, Lady Meiko..." she said gently, "it was certainly... um... something."

"What happened when the dragon's head grew back?" the Wizardess challenged suddenly.

Sir Kaito stood up from his bow with confusion on his face. "Why would its head grow back?" he questioned.

"It's a Green Dragon," the Wizardess elaborated dryly, using her staff to indicate the stuffed animal Lady Meiko held. "In substitution for its lack of a breath weapon, the species has dramatic self-regeneration capabilities. So again, I ask you..." She hunched over, brow lowering and free hand held in front of her in exasperation. "...what happened when the dragon's head grew back?"

Kaito blinked, then looked to Meiko for guidance. She only shrugged. "Uh... well, I mean..." Kaito scratched his chin thoughtfully. "It wasn't _really_ a _Green_ Dragon. We just... couldn't find any props in another color."

The Wizard's condescending glower deepened, and Kaito huffed.

"Well, nobody asked you anyway, Gumi!"

"I'm pretty sure it's my job description as the royal diviner to answer questions before they're asked," the Wizardess Gumi retorted.

"Now, now." The Queen waved her hand at the woman standing beside her, whose tension automatically eased with her highness's melodic tone. "Let's not be so rude. Sir Kaito has clearly put much effort into designing this _rough draft_ for his show. We can forgive him if he misses some specifics."

Gumi scoffed, averting her gaze downwards. "Well, it's common dragon knowledge. Everybody knows that."

"Anyway, Kaito," the Queen continued, "I understand that you want to retell the story of how you were knighted to children in our Kingdom." Kaito nodded proudly. "And yes, we all know how much children love their dragon-slaying stories. But..." Kaito's confidence faltered. "Perhaps, while you're revising your script, you should consider making it a bit more... um..."

"Non-sleep-inducing," Gumi finished, and Kaito recoiled in shock.

"No!" the Queen yelped, waving her hands frantically. "No no no! Sir Kaito, I assure you, it's not that your story is _boring..."_

"Oh, it's boring," Gumi cut her off. "It's the most boring story I've ever heard. I didn't think it was possible before today for a story about a knight slaying a dragon to be so completely, incredibly, unbelievably boring. But you, Sir Kaito the Blue, have broadened my horizons." She took a ridiculous bow in mockery of Kaito's own. "For you, good sir, words truly can not express my gratitude."

"Gumi," the Queen chastised.

"What? Just telling it like it is."

Kaito whimpered like a puppy. "Well then, Wizardess," he said indignantly, "I think it's quite clear that you just can't recognize thoughtful and artistic storytelling when you see it. So, you have no business criticizing me."

"If killing the dragon is what got you knighted, then why did you announce yourself to it with the 'sir' title?"

"Seriously, does she have a mute button or something?"

While the Queen rubbed her forefingers against her temples and the Wizardess rolled her eyes, the sound of light footsteps echoed from above.

"If you really want to make it more interesting, you'll mention the Princess in your story!"

The four directed their eyes up to the ridiculously tall spiral staircase at the far back of the room to see the Princess standing on one of the higher steps. "You know, the Princess who convinced her stupid sister that your story _wasn't_ a total hoax and you actually deserved to be knighted."

She trotted down the stairs until she was low enough to hop the railing, sticking the landing with precision.

"Did you just call your Queen _stupid?!"_ Gumi challenged incredulously.

"Pfft. Nah." The Princess waved her hand dismissively, walking over to the throne and leaning against it casually. "I called my stupid sister stupid. Isn't that right, Miku?" She flicked the Queen's crown to the side and ruffled her hair, and the Queen grumbled in mild irritation.

 _ ***ZAP!***_

The Princess retracted her hand with a start when a green bolt of magic was directed at her.

 **"Do not touch the highness!"** Gumi growled, and the Princess eased away slightly, observing the smoke emanating from her staff.

"Gumi!" Queen Miku shrieked. "It's fine, she's just messing around!"

"She belittled your majesty!"

"Jeez, keep your guard dog on a leash, Miku!"

"Stop it, both of you!" Miku stood up, holding her arms out to the girls on either side of her. "This is extremely unprofessional! Jeez, really now. Rin, apologize."

"For what?" Princess Rin questioned. Miku narrowed her eyes, and Rin sighed. "Alright. I'm sorry your insulting you, _your majesty."_ She lifted the sides of her gown and curtsied briefly.

Miku nodded curtly, then turned to Gumi. She didn't even have to say anything; the Wizardess was already grovelling at her feet. "My deepest and most sincere of apologies, your majesty." She spoke loudly so to be heard despite her dipped head. "I had no intentions of bringing harm to you or your bloodline. For my outburst, I can offer no greater remorse."

The Queen looked her over with a cocked eyebrow. "Uh... right." She gave the Wizardess a gentle pat on the head. "You're fine." Miku glanced back to the Royal Knights, who had just kind of been standing obediently throughout the gruesome exchange. Her gaze wandered to the confetti littering the ground. "Um... Why don't we get somebody to clean this up?" She clapped her hands twice. " **Lady in Waiting!** Could you come here for a moment please?"

"Yes your highness! I'll be there in just a moment!"

Gumi resumed her stance beside the throne, dusting off her robes and stretching her back. Kaito turned back to Meiko to discuss working Rin into his story. Miku sat back down, glanced to her younger sister and questioned, "Where's our brother?"

Rin shrugged. "I don't know, he was right behind me earlier."

 _ ***CRASH!***_

The two flinched in surprise, eyes jumping to the stairs. Somebody was tumbling down them rather ungracefully, squealing as he did so. The girls' expressions scrunched as they watched the person fall, until, when he reached the bottom, his yelling slowed to a halt, and he landed on his side with his head rested on his hand rather than his face resting on the floor. "What did I miss?" the Prince queried.

Rin facepalmed.

"Kaito killed a stuffed animal," said Miku.

"Cool," replied the Prince.

"Len, what did you do?" Rin questioned.

"Tripped," Prince Len replied matter-of-factly, "over the rug at the top of the stairs. I told you we should nail that thing down."

Rin blinked. "Oh, yeah," she said, her tone one of realization, "I remember now." She smirked. "I set the thing up for you as a practical joke. I completely forgot."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

Len stood up and shook his hair out, greeting Gumi pleasantly as he passed her to stand beside his sisters. Miku cupped a hand over her mouth, calling again," **Lady in Waiting! I'm waiting!** "

"I'm coming!"

From a door in the side of the room burst the Countess, carrying a broom, bucket, and various other cleaning equipments. She stopped just short of the stairs leading up to the throne, bowing as much as she could with her arms full. "I'm sorry, your highness. I was somewhat preoccupied. Why have you summoned me?"

Miku lazily indicated the mess by the Royal Knights. The Countess gave an "Oh," then set everything down, some of it loudly falling over. Nervously, she brushed some of it aside so she could lift the broom, then went off to work.

"Okay," came Kaito, and the royals turned their attentions back to him, "here's what I'm thinking! How about the evil dragon..." He picked the dragon's decapitated head up off of the ground and held it over its body, which hung limp in a half-asleep Meiko's arms. "...kidnaps the beautiful and innocent Princess Rin, and _that's_ why brave Sir Kaito must slay it?"

Len snickered the words "beautiful" and "innocent" under his breath.

"But that's not what happened," the Countess pointed out, whilst she swept confetti away from the scene.

Kaito shrugged. "So? Autobiographies always exaggerate the truth."

The Countess frowned. "Um, if you don't mind my pointing out... that's not exaggeration... That's blatant lying..."

"Meh, I don't really like that," Rin declared, and the Countess sighed. "If you really want to stay true to form, you shouldn't paint me as the damsel in distress. You see, while I am _beautiful,_ I'm not _innocent."_ She swept her shoulder-length hair to the side and put on a sparkling grin. "I'm _bold! Resolute!_ I should leave an impression on the audience that no mere damsel could create." She tapped a finger against her chin, until a glimmer of conception came to her eyes. "I should be the one who sends you on your quest. Gives you the sword, 'it's dangerous to go alone' and all that. _Then_ you'll really have the peoples' attention!"

Kaito cocked his head in consideration. "Huh... You know what? I think that'll work! What do you think, Meiko?" He glanced to his companion, who was now _fully_ asleep. "Uh... Meiko?" He tapped her lightly on the shoulder. She fell over, responding to the impact with nothing but a snore. Kaito huffed.

"I'm pretty sure that's _also_ blatant lying, Rin," said Len.

Rin shrugged. "So what? The citizens need to have a good impression of us, even if it means telling a few white lies. We're royalty, after all."

Len averted his gaze to the floor. "Don't remind me..."

"You know, maybe we should toss the stuffed animal," considered Kaito, observing the plush head he held, "and get a _real_ dragon instead?" His eyes wandered to the WIzardess hopefully. "Kids like _realism,_ don't they?"

"Kaito, I guarantee you," said Gumi flatly, "as the royal conjurer, I am _not_ summoning a dragon for you. Not here, and certainly not down in a village."

"Aw..."

The Countess took the stuffed dragon body from Meiko's sleeping form and retrieved its head from Kaito. She free threw the two pieces into a garbage can at the back of the room, then dragged all of the cleaning equipment away to where she had originally entered from. Once finished, she returned to the throne room and started up the steps, tripping over one and only barely catching herself. Mentally scolding herself, she brushed off her dress and bowed to the Queen. "I've finished, your highness."

"Ah. Thank you, Luka," said Miku. "Now then... Looks like we're all here. What should we do, play poker or something?"

"Nah, Miku," Rin piped, "I'm pretty sure we're missing somebody."

Miku tilted her head. "Are we?" She counted everybody in the room, ending on herself. "Oh yeah, we are missing somebody. But who...?"

 **"SOCKS!"**

The main doors crashed open, and everybody looked towards them in confusion. **"The socks!"** Kaito stepped aside as the Jester rocketed in, storming up to the throne.

"Oh, there he is," Miku muttered.

"Your highness, It's terrible!" the Jester exclaimed, kneeling on the steps and waving his arms. _"Tearable_ even!" He reached down and gripped one of his stockings, ripping a tear in it for added effect. "You must hear what's happening!"

"What is it, Jester?" Kaito questioned, pulling his sword from the ground. "Can't you see that we're in the middle of discussing very important, completely mandatory top-secret matters?" He swung his sword around to return it to its sheath, accidentally slicing off his belt buckle in the process. His pants fell down, revealing a pair of dragon-spotted briefs. This resulted in various reactions, most notably another eye roll from the Wizardess and a single "Ha" from the Princess.

The Jester turned back for a moment to watch Kaito frantically attempt to pull his pants back up, and muttered, "Ooh, indecency."

"What's the matter, Gakupo?" Miku prompted. "What's all this about... " Her brow furrowed. "...socks?"

"Ah, yes!" said the Jester Gakupo with a couple of nods. "Queen Miku, your highness, it's absolutely tragic. Everywhere I turn it's just socks, _socks, **socks!** "_

"So, like," said Rin, "are you actually going to tell us what's going on, or are you just going to complain about socks all day?"

Gakupo shook himself. "Um, yes. Well, you see... Do you remember the sock incident from a couple months back, when all of the socks went missing in the villages by the Dark Woods borders?"

"The one that we wrote off as a dumb practical joke and I'm still not entirely convinced Rin wasn't responsible for?"

"Hey!" Rin exclaimed. "I'll have you know that I'm a professional practical joker. Socks are _far_ below my level. Call me when people's underwear starts going missing."

"Right," said Miku flatly. "Anyway, continue."

"Yes, well, you see," Gakupo went on, "it's started happening again. The citizens are absolutely furious about their missing socks! They have to go out into the brisk suntumn air with bare feet! To this, they do not take kindly."

"Have you tried telling them to check their driers?"

Gakupo shook his head. "No, your majesty, you misunderstand. It's not just the villages on the border being affected anymore. It's spreading, further into the kingdom, in the direction of the capital!"

Miku blinked, and cast an uncertain glance to Gumi. The Wizardess only shrugged. "Maybe it's an underground practical joke circuit," Miku suggested.

"That's what I said," the Jester responded. "Well, not exactly. Something of a similar, likely less _sockcastic_ caliber. However, the people seemed convinced that something _sockspicious_ was going on."

Len chuckled, and Rin elbowed him in the ribs.

"Naturally I told them that it was nothing to worry about, as her majesty the Queen had already assured us that it was no serious problem. But then..." He paused, swallowing the lump in his throat. "...they showed me... _it."_

With this, a low murmur broke out among the Council members. Rin and Len discussed whatever Gakupo had been drinking, while Kaito and Luka wondered the possibilities of "it".

"What is _'it'?"_ Gumi asked urgently.

Gakupo lowered his head grimly. "It..." he repeated vaguely. "The socks..." He drew in a breath, the rest of the council leaning forward as he did so. "...were _ **all over the village!**_ Everywhere you turn, socks on the streets, socks on the roofs, socks in the wells, on the shutters and coops! They were pasted to windows, they were nailed to the trees, there were socks in every corner the naked eye sees!" He stood up slightly, each foot on a different stair, as he waved his arms in exaggerated, panicked motions. "They tiled the floorboards, they plastered the walls, and soon, your highness, I fear..." He knelt back down, head hanging solemnly as he finished. "...they will cover our halls."

Queen Miku stared blankly down at him as she attempted to process what was being said to her. She tilted her head to one side, then to the other, until eventually she shook herself, disbelievingly spitting out the word, _"Socks?"_

"Some seem to believe that there is dark magic involved in the caper," Gakupo added.

Now everybody in the room was staring at him disbelievingly. Rin held a hand to one side of her, saying, "Socks." She then held the other to her other side, saying, "Dark Magic." Her brow lowered. "Pick one."

"I'm fairly certain that _socks_ and _dark magic_ have no correlation to each other," said Gumi. Holding a fist over her chest proudly, she added, "As the royal necromancer, I would know."

Gakupo shrugged defensively. "'Tis but the word of the people."

"Why do they care so much about this?" Miku questioned exasperatedly. "Can't they just buy new socks? Or, you know, take the socks that are all over the villages?"

"Um, with all due respect, your highness," came the Countess Luka, "I believe this is not so much a matter of cold feet as it is a matter of pride."

"Indeed!" exclaimed Sir Kaito, who was trying his best to look dignified while holding his pants up with one hand. "Certainly there's no greater insult than watching your home helplessly fall victim to such a childish prank."

"Other than your pants falling down?" Rin challenged, and Kaito lifted the waist of his slacks higher, face red with embarrassment.

"I don't know, Miku," said Len, cautiously observing his older sister nearly tear her hair straight from her head in pure, unbridled frustration. "This may not have seemed like something to bother with at first, but if it's gotten to be this big of a problem, then..."

Miku placed a palm against her face, for several moments concealing it from her council who now silently awaited her response. When she looked up, her eyes addressed Gumi, conveying hopefully that the Wizardess may have had the answer she needed. Gumi's eyes darted to the side, before reconnecting with the Queen's. She sighed.

"If the citizens are so up in arms, then it's our duty to find a solution to their problem."

Miku's already solemn expression faltered, and she gave a groan. "Ugh... okay." She sat herself back up, brushing a hair away from her face, and doing her best to put on an authoritative expression. "Call the Guard Captains here," she told Luka and Gakupo. "Tell them that it's... urgent." Her brow scrunched. "I'm sure that one of them will be _useless_ enough to go on this... _sock mission."_

"At once, your highness." Luka and Gakupo bowed in sync, before dashing off in opposite directions to do as they were told.

"Well, this should be fun," Rin scoffed. "I can't wait to see what loser you pick for this."

"Hopefully someone with more dignity than _that_ loser..." Gumi muttered.

Kaito scowled at her. "I'll have you know that I have plenty of dignity," he declared. "Just... my underpants don't."

"Uh-huh," said Gumi.

Suddenly, with a snort, Meiko sat up, startling Kaito and causing him to drop his pants again. "What happened...?" Meiko questioned groggily, rubbing her head and looking around. When her eyes landed on Kaito's briefs, they froze there, and Kaito's face flushed again. After an incredibly awkward moment of staring, Meiko laid back down. "Wake me up when _that_ isn't a thing anymore..."

While the Princess howled with laughter and the Prince averted his gaze, Gumi heaved a tired sigh. "I'm so sorry," she whispered to the Queen.

Miku slumped back over, removing her crown and burying her face in her hands. "Gods help me."

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|| I challenge you to read the opening paragraph all the way through with a straight face without stammering. ...Nope, I can't do it.

Today I found out how difficult it is to find pictures of the six Vipperloids together. Most of them either have Ted in there too, or are missing Rook and/or Miko. Then there's the matter that even if I did find something, I would need to get permission to use it, and... most of the pictures are Japanese... Long story short, I'm using a screenshot from "Confront! You Look So Cool!" for now (which doesn't even have any Vips in it other than Teto, I'm so good at this).

Uh, I should probably update this soon. We haven't even met any of the main characters yet. I would have introduced at least one, but I really don't want these chapters to be too long. Just consider this the prologue. ||


	2. Candy Cake Candidate

|| Well this took longer than I was hoping it would. ||

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 **CANDY CAKE CANDIDATE:**

The royal sound of the royal horn of the royal family of the royal castle sounded bold in the royal throne room. It was being played by the Jester Gakupo, who stood to the left of the throne. _Thrones,_ actually, as the Queen's was temporarily accompanied by two smaller, additional seats on either side. The Princess Rin sat on the left, hunched over and legs kicking impatiently in turn. The Prince Len sat obediently on the right, hands folded in his lap and eyes darting around in anticipation. The Wizardess Gumi and the Countess Luka stood side by side to the right of the thrones, while the Royal Knights Sir Kaito and Lady Meiko stood at the bottom of the steps at resting position. The Queen Miku, of course, sat formally in the center throne.

Miku patted down her dress and looked around the room. Her siblings must have been bored out of their skulls. Gakupo seemed to quite enjoy playing that horn. Gumi and Luka were talking about something she couldn't hear. Kaito was reaching over and poking Meiko with his sword to keep her awake. Miku folded her hands together and set her chin down against them. It was looking like it would be time to start soon, though she _really_ wanted to prolong it just a little more.

"This is so stupid..." Rin muttered out of the corner of her mouth.

"I know," Miku replied mildly, "but we have to do it. If we just get it over with, we won't have to deal with it again." Her brow lowered. "Hopefully."

"The Captains of the Royal Guard are all present and accounted for, your majesty," Gumi reported, standing in an even more formal stance than the knights at the bottom of the steps. "They await your command outside of the throne room."

"Cool. Got it. Thanks," Miku replied.

"You know what you're going to say, don't you?" Luka inquired.

Miku blinked. "Uh, of course! I mean..." She shrugged nervously. "All I have to do is tell them what's going on and choose one of them to go deal with it. Simple. Of course I know what I'm going to say."

Luka nodded, satisfied by the answer, but Gumi raised an eyebrow skeptically.

Len turned to her expectantly. "So, get it over with?" he prompted.

Miku nodded. "Get it over with." She took a deep breath, resting her arms against either side of the throne. "Get it over with..."

She gave a short hand signal to Gakupo, and the beat of his tune changed from that of a royal introduction to something more akin to an army march. After a few measures of this melody, Gumi tapped her staff against the ground, signaling Kaito and Meiko to begin marching to the other end of the hall. When they reached the end, they each took one double-door handle and pulled the great entrance open.

At Gakupo's command, the sound of feet beating against the ground in time echoed from the hallway beyond. One by one, in a neat, tidy, and quite highly disciplined single file line, the Vocalo Kingdom Royal Guard Captains marched into the throne room.

They were lead by the Yellow Knight, a handsome man with windswept blonde hair, dressed in a black longcoat. There was a broad executioner's sword on his back, with a sapphire gem embeded in the hilt.

He was followed by the White Knight, a gorgeous woman with mystical, ocean-like eyes, and silvery shin-length hair that flowed behind her like a cape. She wore a suit of chainmail under her clothes, steel plating over her chest and right arm, and had a crossbow mounted to said arm.

She was followed by the Orange Knight, a crooked man with ginger hair, dressed in a white tuxedo coat a size too big for him which seemed to have undergone multiple repairs. His left eye was covered by a patch with an X over it, and an unrealistically shiny white halberd was carried on his back.

He was followed by the Green Knight, a proud woman with emerald hair tied back, dressed in a sleeveless longcoat, with way more skin exposed than what was healthy for battle. There was a tattoo on her left shoulder, and a morning star was held on her back.

She was followed by the Violet Knight, a man who covered nearly his entire body in a gray cloak. His striking yellow eyes and sharp teeth were all that could be seen under the hood. The cloak had two belts stretching around it, the higher of the two keeping a chakram strapped to his back.

He was followed by the Black Knight, an apathetic young woman with dim eyes and grayscale hair. She was covered in black leather, though wore a cotton hoodie over it, and had two black ribbons trailing behind her like tails. The weapon that she carried was a big, scary-looking scythe.

"I thought there were _seven_ Guard Captains," Luka whispered.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Gumi hissed.

The Captains aligned themselves parallel to the steps leading up to the throne, each turning to face the Queen and holding their heads up in her direction. Kaito and Meiko marched to stand on either side of their line, drawing their swords in their right hand and holding it in the air in the traditional Vocalian salute. **"Attention!"** Meiko commanded, and the Guard Captains stood with their legs together, mimicking the salute with their own longswords.

Despite this being the signal for the horn to stop, Gakupo continued playing. The rest of the Royal Council turned to him curiously, to see that he had his eyes closed. "Ahem." Miku cleared her throat. The Jester was much too distracted to hear; he was swinging back and forth to the beat of his song. He was seriously into the groove. "Ahem!" Miku cleared her throat louder. She again received no reaction.

Gumi huffed, extending her staff forward, a green glow emanating from it.

 _ ***ZAP!***_

Gakupo was blasted by a bolt of magic, which knocked him over and silenced the horn as it clattered weakly on the ground. This was followed by an anticlimactic silence, during which Gumi straightened herself again. It didn't last very long.

The Jester pushed himself up off of his face, breaking into a ridiculous fit of laughter. "Wow!" he exclaimed, dizzily crawling back to his feet. "Pain is _hilarious!"_

 _ ***ZAP!***_

Gumi blasted him again, more forcefully this time in hopes that he would get the point. He didn't.

"Wow! Oh wow! I am in _so_ much agony right now! Ha ha! Do it again, do it again!"

With an annoyed growl, Gumi slammed her staff against the ground, and Gakupo was levitated into the air. The Wizardess swung her staff like a baseball bat, and the Jester flew across the room, crashing into the wall. He gave a pathetically weak "Thank you!" before dropping to the ground like a swatted fly.

Everyone stared blankly for a moment with wide eyes, the Guard Captains in particular (except for the Black Knight, who was staring with indifference). After a moment, they lowered their swords, looking back to the Queen in confusion. Miku looked back down at them, giving a weak chuckle and forcing a grin.

"Um... Hi, everybody!" she greeted with a wave of her hand. "Uh... lovely weather we're having, aren't we?"

The Captains exchanged uncertain glances (except for the Black Knight, who continued to stare at the fallen Jester with indifference).

With a disgruntled sigh, the Wizardess Gumi took a step forward. _"Anyway,"_ she said as she began to descend down the steps, "I suppose you're all wondering why you've been called here today."

"Uh, yeah," said the Yellow Knight. "Kind of."

Gumi's expression became smug. "Well, it's because your Queen has a mission for you."

"Yeah!" exclaimed Kaito, and he stepped up to join the Wizard. "A _really important_ mission. It's really important."

Gumi glowered at him. "Uh-huh. You see, it seems that some certain possessions of our citizens by the Dark Woods borders have been going missing lately, and it has them in an uproar."

 _"Big_ uproar!" said Kaito. "Like, huge! They are _furious!"_

"As such," Gumi continued through gritted teeth, "it will be up to one of you- and only one of you -to go forth and capture the culprit behind these wrongdoings."

 **"AND THAT ONE OF YOU!"** Kaito shouted, thrusting his sword upwards as Gumi threw her hands into the air in defeat. **"MUST BE THE GREATEST ONE OF YOU! THE ONE WHO SHOWS THE GREATEST LOYALTY! PASSION! AND PROWESS! WILL BE THE ONE TO TAKE THIS MISSION INTO THEIR HANDS AND CONQUER IT!"** He walked along the line of Guard Captains, who straightened themselves under his gaze as he pointed his sword to each of them in turn. "Only one of you can be the strong, courageous hero that our kingdom requires in this deep, dark time of need."

 _ ***ZAP!***_

"And that's enough of you," Gumi muttered, as Kaito yelped and hopped away from the black scorch mark now where he had been standing. "Basically, yeah; power, loyalty, and all that... Whatever, we just need one of you to go on this investigation mission so people will shut up."

The Guard Captains glanced to Kaito, who was checking his boots for scorch marks, then looked back to Gumi. After a moment, the White Knight cleared her throat. "Yes, well," she said quaintly, and the other Captains looked to her in interest, "if it's loyalty you're seeking, you needn't look any further. I think the fact that only _one of us_ showed up wearing _armor..."_ She cast a glare to her right, in particular at the Green Knight. "...speaks for itself."

"Uh, yeah," the Green Knight responded, _"chainmail._ You do know that stuff doesn't really do anything, right?"

"It provides protection," the White Knight retorted in irritation, "something that _some of us_ , believe it or not, actually value over physical appearance. Besides." She used her left hand to motion at the steel plating over her torso and right side. "It's not just chainmail. Need I remind you, this is _custom made,_ with only the _purest_ steels in the kingdom, by only the _finest_ blacksmiths in the kingdom."

The Orange Knight nudged the Green Knight in the ribs, whispering, "Betcha heck-all she sleeps in the stuff." The Green Knight chortled, and the White Knight gritted her teeth.

"Ladies, ladies." The Yellow Knight waved his hands in a soothing manner. "Let's not be so feisty. We're all on the same team here, after all. Besides..." He gave his thumb a swift lick, then brushed his hand back through his hair. "I think we all know who _obvious_ candidate for this mission is."

"Aw, can it, Pretty Boy," the Orange Knight groaned. "Don't you know anything? It doesn't matter how good you look swinging that sword around." He retrieved his own loosely hanging longsword, placing his free hand behind his back as he performed flimsy but choreographed stabbing motions on the air in front of him. "It's about _style._ If you want the bad guy to remember you, you give him moves to remember, not just a pretty face. Although, that is a plus."

"Or," came the Violet Knight, "you could use a more _reasonable_ approach, and be in and out with the mission before your opponent can recognize that you're there. Or, if you're not so light on your feet..." He smirked. "...bring an army. It will be over in no time."

"But what's the point in that?" the Green Knight challenged. "You want to give your opponent a fair fight, right?" She grinned, clenching a fist determinedly. "I say there's _much_ more honor in proving yourself smarter and stronger than your enemy in one-on-one combat than there is in straight-up obliterating them just 'cause you got a head start."

The Violet Knight's brow lowered. "I'm fairly certain that logic applies to sporting events, not dangerous criminals."

The Green Knight scratched her head. "Huh. Come to think of it, the uniform on that cultist I arrested the other day did look a bit like a jersey..."

 _"Regardless,_ your majesty," spoke the Yellow Knight again, and he bowed formally. "Whatever task it is that awaits us, I'm certain you'll find one of us suitable. So, shall you elaborate on the task being given?"

Gumi and Kaito stepped to the side, and Miku suddenly found all eyes in the room addressing her. She glanced to her right; Len and Luka, both patiently waiting for her to take the reins. She glanced to her left; Rin, who looked like she was waiting for Miku to say something stupid and in turn come out looking stupid, and Gakupo, who had mostly regained his composure, but still looked dizzy. She looked ahead again; Meiko, struggling to stay awake. Kaito, who flashed a thumbs up. The Guard Captains, each trying to look more impressive than the others (minus the Black Knight, who seemed to have zoned out). And Gumi. Miku settled her gaze on the Wizard's hopefully, but Gumi only clenched her teeth and shrugged.

Miku grumbled.

"So, does anybody remember the _sock incident_ from a couple months back?"

The Guard Captains blinked.

"The one that you wrote off as a dumb practical joke and you're still not entirely convinced the Princess wasn't responsible for?" the Yellow Knight questioned incredulously.

"Oh, come on!" Rin threw her arms into the air. "What do you take me for, a neanderthal? Socks!" She pounded a fist against her hand. "Below level!" She lowered the hand to the floor pointedly. "It's like nobody in this castle sees how dedicated I am to putting together funny, _unique_ stunts for the enjoyment of all those around me."

"I specifically remember you stealing my eyepatch at one point," said the Orange Knight flatly, indicating his absent left eye.

The Princess shot a finger gun at him. "Touché."

Miku sighed and rubbed her fingers against her temples. "Yeah, about that. So... _somebody,"_ she motioned pointedly with her hands, her brow scrunched up, "has apparently taken it upon themselves to vandalize the villages by... putting socks everywhere. And people are mad about it. Like, really mad. _Super_ mad. Like, I don't know why they're so mad about stupid socks, but they're mad about stupid socks."

The Captains stared at her in bewilderment.

 _"Socks?"_ the Yellow Knight questioned incredulously.

"That's what she said," Rin chuckled, a humored smirk crossing her face. "What? None of you want to go on this _super important sock mission?_ Funny, you were pretty into it just a minute ago."

The Yellow Knight adjusted his collar. "Um, yes, well... I just remembered, I'm actually supposed to be in charge of city patrols for the next... year. I'm afraid that I wouldn't be much good for investigations if I can't leave capital walls."

He glanced at the White Knight, who responded with a discreet shrug. "Um, yes, and I have a prior engagement, if I'm not mistaken. It is a personal matter, but an important one. I'm sure you understand, your highness." She gave a short bow for luck.

"Uh, I've been feeling a bit under the weather lately," said the Orange Knight.

"I'm already assigned to weapon maintenance," said the Green.

"I'm hot on the tail of a wanted crook," said the Violet.

They all glanced at the Black Knight, who looked back at them, expression unchanging. She had no excuse to give the council, only a shrug.

With a groan, Miku motioned for Gumi, Kaito, Meiko, Luka and Gakupo to come. "This _sucks,"_ the Queen complained, once the rest of the council stood in front of her. "They don't _want_ to do it. I don't know why I thought they would, this is completely and utterly stupid, but I guess I just had this one, teenie-tiny glimmer of hope that this wouldn't be an ordeal." She placed her crown in her lap so she could more comfortably massage her temples.

"Well, sending any one of them would be a waste of resources anyway," said Gumi. "If we have bigger fish to fry, we're going to need all six of them."

"Why not send somebody else?" Len suggested. "Somebody expendable, lower in the ranks."

"I'm afraid if we did that," said Luka, "then the subjects would think the Queen isn't taking the matter seriously."

"She's not," said Rin. "Why bother hiding it?"

"Aren't you the one who was talking about 'good impressions' earlier?" Meiko questioned, and Rin shrugged defensively.

"Why not let me handle it, your majesty?" Kaito contributed. "I'm sure it will be easy for a knight as skilled as myself. I'll be back with the sock-culprit in chains before you can say 'Great Sir Kaito the Blue.'"

"Well, we _are_ looking for somebody useless..." muttered Gumi.

"I'll take that as a compliment," said Kaito.

"Ooh, _I_ have an idea!" Gakupo exclaimed. "We can _pretend_ to send somebody, and not actually specify _who._ Ooh, or maybe two! Yes, a _pair_ of sock-swindler-snatchers. No, no! A whole hoot of _close-knit_ heroes, hell-bent on hitting the harbinger of this hairsplitting headache. Once the mayhem dies down, we can say that they've _cotton_ to the crook, and once the curtains close on this silly socky business, the kingdom will be none the wiser."

"What happens when they find out we lied to them?" Meiko challenged.

Gakupo paused, holding a finger to his chin. "Well, that would be a rather _tights_ situation."

"I will not hesitate to zap you again," Gumi growled, and the Jester put on a nervous grin.

 **"Okay!"** Miku shouted, and the rest of the council flinched away. "Look!" She pointed down at the six Guard Captains, who stood straighter. "Anybody who wants to make this decision slightly easier on me, step forward now!"

All of the Guard Captains stepped back (with the exception of the Black Knight, who glanced back at the others, apparently having missed the queue).

Miku slumped over in her throne. "Great."

 **"Excuse me!"**

All of a sudden, the main doors were thrown open, and everybody in the throne room looked to them in confusion. Up the pathway to the throne stormed a woman, carrying a covered platter in her arms. She squeezed past the Guard Captains with an "Excuse me!" and a "Pardon me!" and a "Whoops! Sorry!" when the White Knight's hair got caught on her boot buckle. Once she was past the Guards, she barged right up the steps and placed the platter down on the Queen's lap.

"Oh no..." Gumi muttered, pressing a hand against her face while the others gaped at the woman in front of them disbelievingly.

"Sorry I'm late, your highness!" the woman exclaimed with pep, stepping back slightly and saluting. "I got the call a little late, plus it would be _super_ rude of me to come without a gift, so I had to take care of that... basically, things held me up." She shrugged nonchalantly, before returning to the salute position. "But anyway, I'm here now! And that's what's important."

Miku stared with a knit brow. The woman before her was shortish, though not greatly more so than Miku herself. Probably closer to Gumi's height by the looks of her. Her hair was a bright pink, tied into childish drills on either side. Her clothes consisted of a pretty standard cloth brown tunic, and about a quadrillion leather belts and pouches scattered about her torso, holding who knows what. The sword revealed by her salute was a pretty miserable looking shortsword, which had probably seen better days. And, leaning to the side slightly, Miku could observe a worn wooden shield strapped to her back, with some sort of crest printed on it. Despite appearances, this woman was wearing a pretty genuine grin.

The Queen leaned back skeptically. "Um," she said slowly, "who... are you, exactly?"

The woman looked up mildly, raising her sword higher. "Captain Teto of the Vocalo Kingdom Royal Guard, your highness!" she answered loud and clear. "You promoted me yourself. A few months ago, if you recall."

Miku took a moment to wrack her brain, and found the memory she was looking for. "Oh, I remember you now!" she exclaimed. "You're the Private who bribed your way into the Captain position by giving us cake."

"That's me!" Captain Teto nodded proudly.

"Oh, I remember that cake!" said Len. "That was a good cake."

"And there's more where it came from." Teto removed the cover from the platter in Miku's lap, revealing a pretty white frosted cake with pink decorations. The Royal Council oohed in awe.

"I like cake," said Rin, peering over the higher arms of her sister's throne to get a better look.

Teto spun her sword around, utilizing it to skillfully slice the cake into eight equal pieces. Once done with that, she reached into one of her various pockets and retrieved a small white plate. She scooped a slice onto it with the sword and handed it to the Queen, then quickly sheathed her blade and placed a fork down alongside the cake. "For you, your majesty."

Miku instinctively licked her lips.

Captain Teto went about passing plates and forks to the rest of the Council, to find a deep scowl pressed against her when she approached the Wizardess. "What are you doing here, Teto?" Gumi challenged.

"I was called here by the Queen," Teto answered simply. "Because, you know. I'm a Guard Captain."

"No you're not," Gumi retorted. "Not a real one, anyway."

Teto smirked. "Well, I mean, I have this badge." She pulled back one of her belts to reveal a silver badge depicting the Vocalo Kingdom Crest, with the words "GUARD CAPTAIN" written on it quite clearly. "And, all those guys have the same badge." She indicated the six confused knights standing around in confusion. "So, I'm pretty sure I'm just as much a Guard Captain as they are."

"They _earned_ their titles," said the Wizardess forcefully. _"You_ got _yours_ through sweet talk and sweet pastries."

"But I got it though."

"You're missing the point," Gumi growled. "You're not a knight. You've never even been on a real mission!"

"I may not be a knight right _now_ ," said Teto, smile unwavering, "but I will be. Just you wait."

Gumi's scowl was also unwavering. "Right. Sure. Definitely. You'll totally be a knight someday. Look, why don't you just take your cake, your flimsy little shortsword..." She tapped Teto's leather sheath with her staff. "...and get out of here? These are very important, completely mandatory top-secret matters. We don't _need_ you."

Teto's expression flattened. "I think _they_ might beg to differ."

Gumi turned around when Teto pointed behind her, and cringed to see Kaito, Meiko, Luka, and Gakupo gleefully munching on cake.

"Oh, come on, guys! Seriously?!"

The four of them pointed their forks to their left innocently, and Gumi turned again to the royals this time. They seemed to be enjoying the cake as well... including Queen Miku. The Wizardess gasped dramatically. "Your _highness?!"_ She knelt down in front of the throne with her arms held out in alarm.

"What?" Miku questioned through a mouthful of sugar and frosting. "It's good cake."

"But your majesty, she's not-"

"Ahhhhhh-" Miku cut Gumi off by sticking her fork in the Wizard's mouth. Gumi paused while she chewed the cake, and her expression lightened.

"Hm. That _is_ good cake."

Miku smiled sweetly.

"Anyway, your excellency," came Teto again, as she hopped back down the steps to stand by the other Captains, "what's this about, anyway? Super important royal council stuff and all."

The Queen's expression immediately dropped, and she shoved her plate into Gumi's chest, shooing the Wizardess away. "Ah. Well, you see..." She patted her dress down anxiously. "There's a situation in the villages around the Dark Woods borders. It seems that the people have had some... _possessions_ taken from them, and... their homes have been... _vandalized._ They've requested that somebody of a high rank be sent to investigate the matter."

"Neat," said Teto. "So, which one of these guys are you sending for it?"

Miku glanced again to the gathered Captains, who were now whistling and checking their watches absently (sans the Black Knight, who seemed more interested in the cake). "We haven't decided yet," the Queen sighed.

At this, Teto perked slightly. "Huh. Well then, who were you considering?"

"Anybody who wants to do it, I suppose," Miku answered.

"Hm. Well, you know..." The unknighted Captain placed her hands on her hips. "...I don't think I've got anything on my plate. Haven't, really, since I joined the Guard. So, yeah. I got a badge," she flashed the silver trinket again, "and I got a sword," she unsheathed it, running a gloved finger along the dull blade, "and I got nothing to do." She leaned to the side slightly, using the sword as a backscratcher. "Eh. Well, it's really too bad that I'm not a _real_ Guard Captain. I mean, I'm not a knight..." She leered sideways at Gumi. "I've never even been on a real mission."

Gumi sneered in return, though the message was degraded by the frosting around her mouth. She looked to the Queen again, to find her gaze already being returned. She knew the look in Miku's eyes, and she didn't like it. The Wizardess began shaking her head forcefully. The Queen didn't seem to care.

"Well then, Captain Teto." Miku folded her hands in her lap, a bright grin crossing her face. "What if I told you that this could be your first?"

At this, the Captain straightened herself. "I'd say that you have my undivided attention, your supremacy."

Miku leaned forward in her throne. "What if I told you that you could go on this mission, with all of the needed resources provided ahead of time, and be paid for your trouble?"

A smirk crossed Captain Teto's face. "I'd ask what kind of payment we're talking about here."

Miku paused for a moment in thought. She glanced to the rest of the Council to the right of her, staring blankly back. She looked to Gumi on the left of her, now shaking her head even harder. Miku then turned forward again. "Captain Teto," she began. "What if I told you, that if you go on this mission, and return successfully..." Gumi had now transitioned from frantic head-shaking to furious hand signals, primarily an X formation with her arms. Regardless, Miku finished her thought.

"...that I will personally have you knighted?"

Gakupo did a cake-spit-take.

Despite the fact that the entire Royal Council sans Miku and Rin had now joined Gumi in her headshaking, Teto's expression illuminated considerably. "I'd say you've got yourself a deal, your eminence."

Gumi buried her face in her hands.

"Then it's settled!" Miku stood up, holding her arms up enthusiastically. "As of now, Captain Teto is officially assigned top-priority status while tending to this assignment, and by royal decree is to go unquestioned in her methods any outside of the Vocalo Kingdom Royal Council."

Teto saluted proudly, and the rest the Guard Captains began cheering and whistling for her (with the exception of the Black Knight, though she did offer a small round of clapping).

"Woo, wait to go Teto!" exclaimed the Green Knight.

"Yeah, go get 'em, girly!" added the Orange.

"You can count on me, your gracefulness," Teto declared. "I swear on my honor that I'll clear this up and earn knight name no problem. So!" She lowered her shortsword, eyes shimmering bright as stars. "What am I looking for?"

"Socks," Miku answered without hesitation.

Teto blinked.

"Awesome!" she shouted, throwing her sword back up. "That sock-swindler won't stand a chance against the Great Captain Teto!"

"Great!" Miku cheered. "Luka!" The Countess yelped in alarm when the Queen addressed her. "Give this Great Captain her mission briefing! And Gakupo!" The Jester looked to her in perplexity. "Tell the kingdom that there's no reason to fear, for we have one of our finest warriors on the case."

"Um...? Uh, at once, your highness?" Luka and Gakupo shrugged at each other, then started off in different directions.

"This way, please." Luka directed Teto back to the main entrance.

"Alright!" The Guard Captain shot ahead, busting through the main doors again and shouting, **"Look out Vocalo, here comes the greatest knight-to-be you've ever seen!"** The Countess gave a dry grumble as she followed.

The Orange Knight nudged the Green Knight again, and whispered to her, "I will bet actual money that the socks eat her." With this, not just the Green, but all of the knights began chuckling (and even the Black Knight stifled one).

"That's some loser," Princess Rin muttered.

Gumi trudged over to Miku, who seemed quite pleased with herself. "This is literally the worst decision you've ever made as Queen," the Wizardess growled.

"Oh, please." Miku waved a hand dismissively. "It's a _sock mission._ We needed to send somebody of high rank who was also expendable, and she meets all of our requirements!"

"But you promised to _knight her,"_ said Gumi harshly. "You can't just go around knighting people who don't deserve it! The title is meant to be reserved for only the finest, most talented and dutiful of warriors. And, you know..." She averted her gaze. "...Kaito."

"I'll take that as a compliment as well," said Kaito.

"The point is," Gumi went on, "that miserable hack will _not_ have earned the title by completing a _sock mission."_

"I think you're being too hard on her," Miku declared. "Besides, this is a _huge_ save! The people will be satisfied, and we won't have to deal with it again. Besides, knighting her won't change anything. When it's over, she can go back to whatever she was doing before. The only difference will be that she has a higher title."

Gumi sighed. "You are _completely_ impossible."

"Oh come on." Miku wrapped her arms around the Wizardess, who groaned at the embrace in mild annoyance. "Like you said, it's just a sock mission! What could possibly go wrong?"

 _ ***CRASH!***_

The two looked up, startled, at the room's main entrance when this came from it. Teto poked her head in again, waving her sword. "Sorry about that!" she called. "Just hit something a little too hard! I'm sure it wasn't expensive or anything, no need to worry!"

At that, she was gone again, and Gumi's scowl deepened. "Everything," she told the Queen, who bit her thumb nervously. _"Everything_ could go wrong."

* * *

|| I rewrote the Guard Captain descriptions so many times it hurts. Speaking of which, whoops, looks like none of them have been addressed by name yet. Think you know who they are?

Wow, these character portrayals are a _lot_ different than the ones in Device of Life. Seriously, Gumi in particular is almost completely different. It's kind of unnerving that she's actually taking things seriously for once. She's still a weirdo, though. Just in a different way. She's also shorter than Miku here instead of taller like in DoL, notthatthatsrelevantinanywaypfffft-

I think I'm going to try to make Saturday the regular update day for this story. Yes I know it's Monday, I was having trouble with this chapter for some reason. I'm going be making myself an update schedule as soon as I'm done revising Device of Life, and Saturday will definitely be the day for this one. I haven't worked everything out yet, but I might end up deciding to have Saturday rotate between Vipperknights and DoL? We'll see what happens, the update schedule is going to be on my profile once it's ready. ||


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